Captain Grayhound and the Vampire gang from the US
[Open up to the wonderful town of Bennington, Vermont. God only knows why you'd open up
here. It's the most obscure town in the...agh, agh ahhhhhhh!]
Vampire #1: Thank god. If you hadn't killed him I would have.
Vampire #2: *Looks up from feeding* Yeah, but what are we gonna do for a narrator.
Vampire #1: This isn't Winnie the Pooh. We can tell the story without him.
Vampire #2: Are you kidding? The way vampires go in most stories we may as well narrate
Vampire #1: Screw that. I'm not sitting in a chair and reading story books.
Vampire #2: Fine. At least I'll be alive in the end.
Vampire #1: *Confused* What do you mean?
Vampire #2: *Rolling eyes* Use your head dude. We're cast as vampires #1 and #2.
How much are our lives worth?
Vampire #1: *Thinks a moment then sits down in rocking chair.*
[Right so um, this story takes place in Vermont. It's a tiny state in the upper eastern
section of the US. More commonly known as New England. Bennington, though having a large part
in US history, is rarely known through out the world. Hell, I've only been a vampire for a few
weeks and I don't even know where I am.]
[That's because you feed off of crack addicts]
[Hey, this is my story dammit]
[So get out of here before I put a steak through your heart.]
[You mean stake. Stake and steak aren't the same thing, although they do sound the same.]
[Thanks. I'm sure the multitude of PBS viewers will appreciate the sarcastic learning
moment, but I'm seriously getting testy]
Nate: *rubs temples* For crying out loud. What was I ever thinking when I gave them immortality?
Janet: I doubt you were thinking very much.
Nate: Did I ask you?
[Janet and Nate are walking down the street-]
[Singing Dua-didi-dadidum-didi *Fleshy sound as stake goes through his heart]
[I warned him.]
[Janet and Nate are walking down the street looking for a quick meal. It's late in the evening and they manage to find some
lowly extra who would have been named "boy #1"if he'd had one line]
Janet: So now what do we do?
Nate: Good question. I suppose this is the part where we pan to the superheros and find out
their purpose in the plot.
Janet: *Sarcastically* Come on, you mean we're just going to fade to the next scene? That is so
Nate: We're on a low budget, bite me.
[Flash to airplane scene. Our intrepid heros BG, CG, and Alex are sitting in First Class
on their way to Albany Airport in the US. Alex is tossing his guts into a paperbag with BG
patting him on the back. Captain Grayhound is busy trying to get Billy Idol's autograph, and the
author of this fic is fighting a humongous copyright lawsuit on behalf of Adam Sandler's lawyers]
BG: *Still patting Alex's back* Whoa, I didn't know a person could get this airsick.
Alex: *Looking up slightly* I'm not airsick, the inflight movie was Alive and I just ate two
pieces of airline chicken. Ulp-*resumes vomiting*
[On the otherside]
Billy: *Off Alex's puking* Man, I thought I was the only one who hated that movie.
CG: Listen, Billy, I have all your records. If you could just sign this autograph I'll be
able to die a happy superhero.
Billy: Look, for the last time, I'm not signing that thing. Pretty soon you'll be superimposing
my name on some contract and I'll be your girlfriend's slave for the next thirty years.
CG: *Thinks for a moment* Damn.
[Back on their side of the section]
BG: *Looking up at CG as he sits down at the window seat* Did the plan work?
CG: No, he saw right through me.
Alex: *Holding his stomach* N-n-not hard c-c-cons...*Takes deep breath*
BG: Just hold off on the cynicism for a bit.
CG: Damn, the author worked so hard coming up with that sarcastic remark. Too bad it has to
go to waste.
[He has plenty more where that came from.]
CG: Well, lets get the main plot of this going. So, Bagpuss Girl, why are we heading to this
obscure town in the middle of Vermont?
BG: Because, I felt a little vacation away from the hustle and bustle of the huge city.
CG: *Raising eyebrow* But we live in Manchester.
BG: Yeah well, I also happen to enjoy small out of the way towns.
CG: Manchester is out of the way.
Alex: *Shakilly* You just wanted to go to the source of the Ben & Jerry's didn't you?
BG: *Pausing for a second while fuming* Yes.
[Unbeknownst to our heroine, Ben & Jerry's headquarters is in Waterbury]
[Pan to a shot of Ben&Jerry's factory]
Ben: Dammit Jerry, I'm kicking you out.
Jerry: Don't you do it, I have no where else to go! *Breaks into sobs*
[back to airplane]
CG: So how long is this flight suppose to be?
BG: In real life about eight hours. In comic time, whenever the author gets done with introducing the evil villain.
Alex: Or until he gets done making me the sick puppy of the group. Whichever comes first.
CG: There we go. Sarcasm is better than Dramamine.
[Back at the vampire Nate's mansion at the top of Harwood Hill. In the planning room around fifty lowly vampires are
gathered about all serious looking while Nate is sitting at the head of the room.]
Nate: *Lifting up a tiny white ball from the little bowl on the side* I-17.
Vampire #3: Bingo!
[Clapping on behalf of the other vampires as Janet walks in. Many of the male vampires gawk and stare at her lustful
beauty, her tender moist flesh, her radiant brown eyes and long luscious brown...excuse me.]
Nate: Okay, listen guys. We need to plan our attack on Bennington. For the last eighteen years I've had to put up with this shithole,
and for once I want my dues. I specially selected you from the town for your strengths and it is with you as my army that we will
take over and increase our numbers so that the very fabric of human civilization will be torn to shreds by our lifeless hands.
[A vampire plays piano music ala The Peanuts Gang theme song while the vampires dance about like a scene out of
A Charlie Brown Christmas. Female vamp with skimpy bikini is doing the Snoopy dance on the piano and the piano player is barely
paying attention to the keys.]
Nate: *Sighs as he pulls out two crossbows and fires them at the dancer and the player. The music instantly stops and everyone
watches him in fear* Now, back to the plan. It'll be morning soon so we have a very short amount of time to move in and make
vampires out of the owners of the various shops and establishments on mainstreet as they saunter in to begin their days. Slowly
but quickly we will build our armies out the hundreds
Janet: *slouching on a sofa nearby* Supressed childhood anger anyone?
Nate: *Pretends he didn't hear that* All right lets move out.
[Vampires move into the town quickly taking their positions within the town. Naturally Nate and Janet go for the
high school. As daylight approaches they both walk about the halls of their old school careful to avoid the windows full of morning
Janet: We could have remained at the mansion where it's safe, but no, you have to risk running into someone you know down here.
Nate: Oh get off it. I graduated, who here would recognise me?
[Guidance counselor walks in]
Mr. Rhodes: *Blinking twice* Oh my god, Nate! I can't believe it's you after-Ack! *Silenced as Nate drags him into a closet
and drains his blood*
Janet: *Rolling eyes* You're on your own. I'm off to the hotel.
[Meanwhile in the rental car to Bennington. Mike is driving with Kate riding shotgun and Alex in the backseat.]
Alex: It's amazing how awake I am after a twelve hour trip. Though I suppose it helps when the author forgets
about a little thing called jetlag. Guys?
BG: Mike! Wake up!
Alex: Spoke too soon.
CG: *Waking up swings the wheel to the right narrowly missing a mach truck* Jesus! Damn Americans driving on the wrong side
of the bloody road.
Alex: *Smacking Mike upside the head* You moron, we're in the US. This is the wrong side to them.
CG: Oh, right. *Smacking head* Where have I been?
BG: *Shaken* You'll be on the couch when we get to the hotel if you don't be careful.
CG: Yes love.
[Our heros arrive at the Kirkside moter lodge. Upon entering the main office to check their reservations they are overwhelmed
by a mysterious silence]
BG: Hello? Anyone here?
CG: Looks empty.
[Alex, rather than waste a good shot of sarcasm on CG yet again, checks his watch and notes that there is an unusually
small amount of traffic in the streets for the middle of the day]
CG: *Rining the bell* Hello?
[A man comes out of the back room. He is very young about the age of the gang, and everyone's oblivious to his unusual
paleness and his dead reflectionless eyes. For the sake of argument lets just call him hotel guy]
Hotel guy: May I help you?
BG: Yeah, I made a reservation online for two rooms.
Hotel guy: Online? No one makes reservations online for this place.
BG: *Eyes wide opened* I called ahead. The guy said it'd be all right.
Hotel guy: Let me go back and check with the boss.
[In the back of the room Janet is still sucking the last bit of blood from the motel owner. Out in the lobby she catches a
glimpse of Alex as he leaves his two companions. Enter hotel guy]
Hotel guy: Uh, Janet, we ended up using those two reserved rooms to hide the dead bodies of the guests from last night, and the
other rooms are occupied with the newbies.
Janet: *Dropping the old man on the ground* I guess we'll have to use the funeral home across the street then won't we? Make sure
the one with the glasses gets his own room.
Hotel guy: *Confused* Um..Janet...
Janet: Just do it! Make something up.
Hotel guy: It's broad daylight. We don't have the key to that building.
Janet: *snappishly* But we have people sleeping there don't we? Now get moving. And remember what I said about the one with the
[Hotel guy shrugs and calls over to the funeral home. Outside Alex is fuming over the luggage the airport lost and wanders
around the empty parking lot. Something isn't right and he just can't shake it. Walking over to the soda machine he remembers
again that he forgot to exchange his money at the Airport.]
Alex: Are you through with me yet!?
Alex: *Fuming as he notices a strange odor coming from one of the rooms.* What the...
BG: Hey Alex, they're putting us in the house across the street.
Alex: *Turns away from the door and looks over at the house. He adjusts his glasses to make sure he didn't read that sign correctly*
Um...does anyone else find it at all odd that we're sleeping in a funeral home?
[Crossing the street the gang takes a look around the large two floor Victorian style house. The sign on the lawn and
front door says Albright's Funeral home]
BG: *Shrugs* I don't know, perhaps its an extension.
Alex: Of what? Customers who tried to escape without paying?
BG: Are you going to be sarcastic the entire time we're here?
Alex: So long as I breathe.
[Our heroes enter the funeral home after someone unlocks the door, but the mysterious helpful person dissapears
Alex: I'm out of here. *Drops the bag at the door and turns to leave*
CG: Where are you going?
Alex: *calling back* Out for a drink.
BG: *After the door slams shut* Um...I think the drinking age is a little stricter here.
CG: Eh, he can't handle alcohol anyway.
[Cool special effect stolen from every single syndicated vampire series since 1990 as
the sun goes down over Bennington as Alex sits down at the bar and finishes his drink.]
Alex: Can I get something heavy this time? Like maybe a shot of Southern comfort?
Bartender: *Dripping condescension* You got ID mister Bond?
[Flips bartender off and gets up to leave but is pushed back into his seat.
Surprised he looks up and sees a gorgeous brown hair and eyes and a pale complexion which reminds
Alex of the hotel manager...but only vaguely.]
Alex: Um...can I help you?
Janet: *Sitting down* I walked in and saw this charming gentleman that I couldn't take my eyes
Alex: Oh, well, I'm just leaving now so don't let me stop you...
Janet: *laughs flirtatiously* Wow, you are as funny as you are cute.
[Alex gives her a look as if to ask her what she has been smoking]
Janet: *To the bartender* Two martini's.
Bartender: *Glaring* You know I can't serve alcohol to a minor.
Janet: And what if I was willing to show you these?
[Bartender looks expectantly as Janet gets up, leans over the counter, grabs him by the
lapels and bares her fangs. The Bartender gets the hint and rushes to fill the order.]
Alex: *Perplexed* Damn. That was the most deceptive hint of sexual innuendo I've seen since
movie night with Mike and Kate three months ago.
Janet: *Sitting back down* So, where were we?
Alex: I was leaving.
Janet: Oh no you weren't. *Pulls Alex back down*
AleX: Look, I know you're not interested in anything but...well, you're not interested in my
intellect that's for sure. And frankly I can't handle a vodka martini if I tried.
Janet: So what, you can't sit down and be sociable? And for what it's worth I find a good
coversation just as stimulating as night of passionate sex.
Janet: *Changing subject* So, you're from Britain?
Alex: Yeah, in a manner of speaking.
Janet: Manchester, right?
Alex: *nervously* Yeah, how'd you know?
Janet: You're accent. Plus you have no problem hanging out in a bar at your age this late at
night, and I'd like to see someone from Liverpool pull that off.
Janet: *Waives the bartender away as he places the drinks on counter.* So what's a hottie like
you doing in the US.
Alex: Oh, my friends dragged me out here. The author's been taking the piss on me ever since
I got on the plane and is if that wasn't enough, we got placed in this Funeral home for the
Janet: *innocently* Wow, that's wierd. *takes a sip of vodka*
[Pan back to the funeral home where Kate has just stepped out of the shower. Watching her
from the closet is a vampire who is waiting for his chance to strike.]
Kate: *Looks to the camera* Would you mind?
[Oh, sorry. Focusing on the vampire]
Vampire: Heh hehe, hehehehehe, hehehe, oh boy.
[Switching to Mike. Mike has found a room with a large open coffin. Urns with name tags
are seen on various shelves and the coffin is actually on a medal ramp that leads into an encolsed and
Mike: Oh cool, a theme bed. I could get comfy here.
[Drops bags on floor and slips into coffin. A second later Kate comes in wrapped in a towel]
Kate: Um, you know since Alex isn't here I'll have to take this one. You do realize your sleeping in a coffin don't you?
Mike: *Resting on side with head propped up* Yeah, it feels nice actually. Most of us never know what it feels like.
Kate: *shudders* That's a wonderful thought.
Mike: Come on, it'll be like Marius and Pandora. Only I won't spend an entire novel blaming my problems on the world and
you don't go around ripping people's hearts out for blood.
Kate: Can you pick a less romantic couple?
Mike: The Bobbits?
Kate: *Walking towards him effectionately* Don't tempt me.
[Back at the bar]
Janet: So your friends are superheros and you're just the best friend?
Alex: Yeah. Get captured, be the sick puppy, get the piss taken on me.
Janet: Take the fall when the "boss guy" fucks up.
Alex: *Trailing off* Put up with lousy self-indulgence.
Janet: *Looking off into space* Inflated ego bigger than Britney Spears cup size.
Alex: Watch as he and the girl get along so well.
Janet: Watch as everyone but him is interested in you.
Alex: And the brainless wannabes who want nothing more than to
Both: *Say it together without realizing it* suck up shamelessly.
[Janet and Alex look into each other's eyes, sharing an Aladdin moment]
Alex: *Looking away suddenly and down at his untouched drink* So, you...live around here?
Janet: *Taking another sip to ease tension* Yeah, for a while. I moved here from Canada after I met up with my *Rolls eyes* boy
Alex: Um...you have a boyfriend?
Janet: Not exactly. He's a boy...Ahem...but not a real friend. He's too obsessed with being the top dog to even notice me.
Alex: Pshh, join the club.
Janet: Can I be the president?
Alex: No, but you can be the lawyer that sues the author for stealing a line from Buffy.
Janet: Nah, I'd rather take you to my place.
Alex: *Getting up suddenly* Um...I don't think I can do this. I mean you're a really nice-
Janet: We could watch MST3K.
Alex: *Stammering* Y-you like MST3K?
Janet: Well duh, everyone does. Servo kicks ass.
Alex: *Shaking head still doubtfully* Um...I'd better just go see if my mates are okay.
Janet: I've got Unreal Tournament with mods.
Alex: Screw them, lets go.
[They leave and at a table near by a mysterious group of characters watch them and leave. Yet they don't do a thing to
prevent the boy from getting dragged off by a seducing vampire...hey we need a plot okay?]